Our Journey Toward Adoption

Originally written on 11/5/13:

Three years ago, Scott and I realized that for quite some time both of us had been having our hearts turned toward orphans—as in, God wanted us to DO something beyond giving money and praying.  We didn’t know whether we were supposed to foster parent or what, but we knew that the timing was not right and decided to revisit the idea when Gianna was 3-years-old.  Well, now she is almost 4, and after an adventurous three years, including the loss of our daughter Glorietta (our third in the arms of Jesus before we held her in our arms), our hearts continue to ache for orphans.  I have been surrounded by fostering and adoption stuff this whole year and have met an unusual number of adoptive parents, but we had a large house project looming on the summer horizon—a desperately needed new roof and siding—and we decided to wait until the project was completed in the Fall before we took action on foster care, with the idea of maybe, possibly adopting . . . not likely.

For the last several months, especially, there has been a major battle in my heart because I love my life . . . just the way it is.  I am blessed and content.  My little family makes me so very rich.  Why would I go and hang my heart out so that it might get crushed again; why would I disturb our ordered chaos and start over with nighttime feedings and smelly diapers and dirty faces and fingers and. . . .?  Always, that still, small Voice answers, “Because life isn’t about you, now is it?  It’s about Me and what I want to do in you and through you.”  Can’t argue with that, can I?? Believe me, I try!  I always lose those arguments because I know my Father well enough to know that if He is in something, it is GOOD.  No, it is UNFATHOMABLY good.  That doesn’t mean it’s easy.  I know Him well enough to know that, too!  But the very act that makes Him a good Father is His gentle nudging out of the curse of self-love and into the trust of true love, which is where joy lives.  Man, that nudging hurts!  So my whole issue is fear, once again.  That monster, Fear, who tormented me in every pregnancy since we lost our son Ezekiel—here we are, face to face again, as Scott and I embark on a new adventure.

On our way to Ella’s summer math class in August, we heard the song “Overcomer” by Mandisa, and it occurred to me that this needed to be our theme song for the school year, which was about to start.  I remember being unsure that I wanted to make this the theme song because surely it would mean that God has some big things ahead for us.  Thankfully, we are overcomers because Jesus overcame and has the power to overcome any old obstacle in our path!  Now that’s something to sing about!

At the last math class for the summer, I met a mom who adopted her girls from China, a particular soft spot with me for a variety of reasons.  As Debbie and I talked adoption, she made the statement, “You know, it’s not a coincidence that we met.”  That haunted me, and I could almost hear the year’s previous adoptive moms saying the same thing.  If Scott were even in favor of pursuing adoption, I had no idea where to look for our child—international or domestic, foster care system or newborn through agency, physical challenges or none, and so on.  I had no idea what Scott would say, so I began seriously praying that his heart would be interested if God was truly in this craziness.  In the meantime, I still fought the battle with my own heart—what am I thinking?!  I am not the kind of mother for this job.  How would we manage?  We have plenty of other excellent, worthy causes to spend our time and money on; in fact, what if God is just moving us to give so that someone else can adopt . . . a different family without so many flaws?

By Saturday of that week, my mind and heart were whirling in confusion.  When I took the mail out of the mailbox that day, the top magazine was our homeschooling magazine with a cover story on. . .[drumroll]. . .you guessed it—ADOPTION!  Specifically, it was on how adoptive homeschooling families face the challenges.  I threw the magazine on the counter and refused to look at it.  I couldn’t believe it.  As the day progressed, every so often I’d pause and read another part of the article; it was irresistible.  The ache in my heart cried out to God, “Show me what to do!  I don’t know what you want or how to do it.  Please help me!”

Two days later, I opened my email and found that my friend, who has faced strangely similar losses as I, had heard from a former Michigan employer, an adoptive dad and lawyer dealing in adoption.  He had a birth mom needing an out-of-state adoptive family for her baby; the birth mom was interested in California for some reason.  My friend thought of me, and when I read her email, the typically still, small Voice couldn’t be louder.  I sat and cried buckets.  Sweet Ella came in and saw the puffy, red eyes, hugged me, and asked what was wrong.  I told her that it was okay; they were good tears for a happy reason.

The next logical thing was to lay it all out for Scott and see what he said.  After he read the email, he turned and looked at me with a crooked smile and said, “Well, I’m up for another challenge!”  Shock.  Awe.  Had God really made it that easy?  I didn’t even have to make a case.  This is the same man who just 7 or 8 years ago was indifferent toward us having a second child.  My secondary infertility concerned him because it hurt me, but Scott was okay with having Ella as our only.  Was this the same guy?  He had softened since the birth of our second daughter, Gianna, but had become content again as I had.  Nope, God had gotten ahold of him, too, and moved his heart a little more from self to love, just like me.

It just so happened that the girls and I were to go to Michigan in a few weeks to visit our family, and I was able to meet the birth momma.  At this point, we know nothing more and have taken this as a closed door, but if for some reason we find that she wants to work with us, we could have a baby in February or March.  I believe that whatever comes of this opportunity, God has used it to show us what He wants us to do, though we don’t have it all figured out yet.  We are currently working through the Home Study process and would appreciate your prayers.  This is where the rubber of action meets our road of faith.