Do I Clearly Understand Why I Want To Adopt

Warning:  The following paragraphs periodically slip into philosophical meanderings.  Read at your own risk, and if you're inclined to skim - maybe skip this one.

Bec and I were hip-to-hip on the couch with our computers on our laps researching adoption at double time. We joke to our friends that we only ever communicate via email, and I must admit that even sitting side by side it was tempting to send her links to the pages I was perusing.  We sat together for 2 hours straight - without a movie; a certain record for the books.

But we were on a mission and, true to form, were researching like the future of the galaxy depended upon our conclusions.  We do this with dishwashers, hotels, and Hondas so it stands to reason that adoption should get its share of screen time.  Bec's contribution to the research is ordinarily infinitely greater than my own, and the same here is true.  I prefer the executive summary, but on this issue it has come time for me to do some of my own digging.

Do I clearly understand why I want to adopt?

Well that question stood me on my head for moment.  I stared at it awhile, and then scrolled down to the other questions.

• Does my lifestyle allow me the time necessary to meet the needs of children?
• Have I discussed adoption with all my family members, including my children?
• Do I have support systems to help me after I adopt, or do I know where to find them?

Ok, easy enough - Yes, Yes, and Yes.  But that first question was still sitting up there with the ever-blinking cursor awaiting my response.

This is something that I have been putting out of my mind for a few months, because I knew an honest answer would not be a short and simple one, and before I could answer this to the rest of the world, I needed to sort it out for myself. After bumping her elbow to get her attention, having resisted the urge to send an email, Bec glanced at my screen and to my surprise, sat there unable to answer the question either.  We chatted it out for a few minutes and then pulled out of our separate stations on our separate trains of thought. Yet the question haunted me for days, and I soon discovered that it stuck with her too.  I offer some of my thoughts here, though I caution you that a resolution may not emerge herein.

Let me begin by asserting that the answer to the question "Do I clearly understand why I want to adopt" isn't as simple as you might think; at least not for us. In looking at our lives from the exterior, you may, if you know us, assume that you know why we are pursuing adoption.  I congratulate you for coming to the answer before we have.  May I humbly submit, that you may be mistaken.

Yes, we have experienced 3 miscarriages in less than 4 years - but that has only proven how painful attachments can become.
Yes, we would like to have had another child - but we are content with our family as it stands.

Yes, we care deeply for the orphaned children around the world - but we care about the elderly, the widows, the sick, and the impoverished.  Pick your "good cause" and we can likely join hands with you to support it.

Yes, the Bible says that true religion is to care for the widows and orphans - but alas it also says to love your neighbor as yourself.  Not doing so good on the latter one, so why be so attentive to the former?

There are countless good reasons for us to adopt a child, but none of them can answer the question as to why WE are preparing to do so.  These are not the why behind our decision to adopt.  Frankly the why is the sticking point.

Thinking logically:

Why would I add this huge potential disappointment into my life?

Why would I spend all of this money?
Why would I spend all of this time?

Why would I commit to the full execution of maintaining the well-being of another human for nearly 20 years?  Think about it, a 20-year commitment and possibly a lifetime if that new member of the family cannot leave our nest.  Did you think about this as your first child was in the womb?  I did.  I have one daughter that is 10 years old - halfway there; and another one 4 - nearly a quarter of the way there.  I'm well underway with sails unfurled, lurching toward fulfillment of my commitment.  Or so my logical and more selfish side reasons.

We have some understanding of loss and pain.  Do we think that makes us fit to be adoptive parents?

We are decent, God-fearing people.  Does that make us fit?
We are financially stable.  Does that even have anything to do with it?

I ruminated on each aspect of my willingness to adopt and realized that there was no unifying theme.  I am willing, able, prepared, informed, and a handful of other predicate adjectives.  But still no answer to the question of why?

I've heard that the solutions to many problems can be found very near the source of the problem.  This was - in part - the case for me as I clicked from one link to the next.  The nuts and bolts of adoption were becoming more clear.  I was for the first time putting effort behind a good idea, a concept, an overflow of Bec's vision, a noble cause.  So as I sat on the couch I began to feel for the first time what Bec must have been feeling for some time now - sadness.  I began to read stories about children without families.  I would stop periodically and listen to the chaos coming from my daughter's room and let the sadness take a still stronger hold.  My happy little girls...  I read a brief statement from a 16-year-old girl who said that she prays every night that someone will come and be her parents.  In 2 years she will age out of the foster care system and never know...  I paused again to listen to my 2 girls and let the sadness soak in.  Bec told me about the several-year wait that many Chinese children endure as the bureaucracy churns.  

So is this why I want to adopt?  The lump in my throat and my welling eyes - are they in contact with the why?  Maybe we're getting closer.  The sadness is certainly another wedge that is opening my heart wider and giving strength to the willingness and desire to take this path.  But no, this is not why.

I must confront my motives honestly, and thus I can only begin to describe the reason why, and I can only do so with hesitation, because I don't suppose to know the reason why behind anything that happens during this short time we dash whirling through the galaxy.  "Why" is that ever nagging question which the Society of Skeptics (In which I hold membership) all want answered by others, but are supremely hesitant to answer to others.  "Why" touches the metaphysical, the psychological, the sociological, the chemical core of life, the center of which has never, for any of those pursuits been discovered or even approached.  Metaphysics has myriad religions while psychology, sociology, and the physical sciences have mostly theories.  The brightest, noblest, soundest minds across millenia have failed to answer the question "why" at just about any level.  Yet I presume to respond to this "do you understand why" inquiry and uncover the reason for having made a certain decision.

If I begin to sound as if I stand on shaky ground, then recognize that I live in tectonically active California and accept my hearty agreement.  I run far around certainties, because so many have crumbled into uncertainty leaving chaos and confusion for the zealots to pick through.  My wife has labeled me "jaded," and may find some adhesive for it, but I personally prefer "cautious."  So why am I so certain that embarking on this adventure of adoption is the right path?

Faith.

It's really as simple as that.  I believe that Jesus is the Son of God - by faith.  I believe that God created the world - by faith.  I believe that good is the inevitable result of persistent pursuit of God's revealed truth - by faith.  You shouldn't ask me why.  If I knew why, it wouldn't be faith.

I believe that this path toward adoption is our path - by faith.  The confirmation will come as we turn each corner and see the path continuing to wind away ahead of us.  But then, it will always wind away, now won't it?  I return to Frost's words often, "I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence. Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."  God assures us that He will never leave us nor forsake us.  That means that somewhere ages hence when I look back, I will see us having taken the path of His good plan.  I WILL NOT see the why - at least not until we stand amazed in His presence.  But, I will see that by faith I followed His path, and in it, goodness was found.

The decision to take a "road less traveled," can be daunting.  Yet, we are learning that "why" must not necessarily be answered in order to decide.  I was listening to a song on the radio the other day and it occurred to me that the lyricist must have understood this concept as I am beginning to understand it.

Jesus in Disguise is a song that reminds us that Jesus can do His work through us.  It is a suitable reminder to allow the Holy Spirit of God to walk, talk, and love through us.  The lines that made me think were at the beginning of the second verse:

Ever feel like you've been somewhere before,
You hold the key,
You know which door?

The emphasis here is on the fact that indeed the situation is unfamiliar, and yet the way forward becomes obvious.  To the question the song proposed - I answered, Yes, I have.  And that is as close to an answer as I can provide for the question, "Do I clearly understand why I want to adopt?"  I want to adopt because I realize I now hold the key, and I know which door.

I need to remember to email my conclusions to Bec before I forget...